i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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