i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
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The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
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he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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