Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
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Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
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After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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