Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
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My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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