chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize