Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
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hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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