I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
pray to the hookup gods
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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