Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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