I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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