It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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