I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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