3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
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He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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