I think my fart just growled at me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
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I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
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So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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