i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
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Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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