so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
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I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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