Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
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I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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