Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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