Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
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I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
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The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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