My cat gives me a boner
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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