not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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