He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
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He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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