I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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