You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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