i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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