When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
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Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
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You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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