Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
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I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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