oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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