Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
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If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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