Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
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Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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