we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
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I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
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I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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