I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
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