I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
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just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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