someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize