saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
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she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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