I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
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why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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