was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
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Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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