I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
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I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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