i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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