Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
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The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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