I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
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I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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