I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize