It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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