I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
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after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
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Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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