the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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