Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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