The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
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You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Someone signed my nipple.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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