I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
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Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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