Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Randomize
Follow @tfln