I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
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That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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