Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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